The First Time I Ever Considered Writing A Suicide Letter
I’ve talked about suicide a few times on my blog, but I’ve not gone into too much detail about how I’ve never considered writing a suicide letter, even though I’ve been suicidal since I was eight years old. It would be several decades later before I ever considered writing a suicide letter, and that became a whole thing.
For people like me, who suffer from borderline personality disorder (BPD), we’re at a higher risk of suicide. I have tried taking my life several times over the years, but never once considered writing a suicide letter. But all that changed in Easter 2016.
I was in the process of going through a complaint about my Mental Health Trust for not providing me with mental health support because they said I was too complex for them to treat. This complaint went on for a couple of years and was happening at the same time I was doing my postgraduate degree at London South Bank University.
My issues with London South Bank University, not the course, but the university, was its own source of stress. The combination of issues with my university, the lack of mental health support, and the complaint about the Mental Health Trust that wasn’t going anywhere eventually pushed me over the edge. This was the time I got fixated on one specific method of ending my life, which I talked about in my other article, ‘My Suicidal Episode At University‘, so I won’t go into that much detail about it. But this was the closest I’d come to ending my life since 2003. Making it a big deal.
But before I reached that point, there was the Easter of 2016, as I mentioned. During Easter of 2016, I was struggling with my depression, and out of the blue, I started to consider writing a suicide letter. It just came out of nowhere. The reason I started considering writing a suicide letter was because I wanted my mum to know how fuck up I was and that part of the blame for that lies with her. If I hadn’t been emotionally neglected as a child, I might have been able to navigate the racist abuse I endured better than I did.
During this time in Easter 2016, I had the email addresses of two senior mental health people at the Mental Health Trust, one of who was the service manager. I emailed both of these people because I was concerned about my sudden interest in writing a suicide letter. This wasn’t normal for me, and it would prove to be a foreshadowing.
I mentioned in my email communications with the service manager and their PA that my suicidal thoughts had spiked and I had been thinking about writing a suicide letter to my mother. But this was ignored. Even though they replied to that email, they never mentioned anything about how I told them I had been thinking about writing a suicide letter or that my suicidal thoughts had spiked. Not ideal from the service manager of a Mental Health Trust.
See, one of the problems I have is that I rarely feel motivated to do anything. But every now and again, something will trigger a phase where I become highly motivated, such as finding out someone is romantically attracted to me. When that happens, I’ll start looking after myself better, such as eating healthy, taking time to look after myself, feeling good about myself, doing stuff I’ve put off, etc. But when that stops, I crash hard, and this was one of those times. However, this time it was mixed up with a long-lasting depressive state at the same time.
My history with suicidal attempts is that I don’t plan to take my life, I just try. I will feel despair out of nowhere and attempt to take my life without thinking. My emotions can plummet for no reason, and that’s ok if I’m not already too badly depressed when that happens, as that means I just shut down and stay in bed.
But when I’m already depressed, I crash into despair instead, and within minutes of that happening I’ll be attempting suicide. I’ve gone from laughing with friends and feeling really happy to walking through my front door and crashing into despair and hanging myself by the time I walked to the living room 30 seconds later.
My Mental Health Trust was already aware of this, as this was part of the reason they said I was too complex to treat. They’d also understand this if I’d been given proper therapy.
At the point I emailed them about my worrying thoughts about writing a suicide letter to my mother, I’d already spent a very long time chasing up promises made by my Mental Health Trust, which were also routinely ignored. They had spent several years promising to give me therapy, but then would suddenly pull that therapy before I started. So it’s hardly a surprise this cry for help was ignored as well, especially seeing as the Mental Health Trust’s unwillingness to help me was a huge factor in this crisis.
This Mental Health Trust consistently compounded my already dangerously bad mental state, making it worse and worse. Trying to get support from this Mental Health Trust has been devastating to my wellbeing as they’ve made me have to fight constantly just to get their attention. This isn’t the kind of struggle anyone suffering from mental health problems should have to contend with, let alone those who have already expressed issues with suicide.
So what kind of Mental Health Trust and service manager ignores someone clearly stating they’ve had a spike in suicidal thoughts and have been thinking about writing a suicide letter? It’s basic 101 that you do a risk assessment if you are a health and mental health professional, but also for social workers, the police, etc.
If I had a client who told me that they had an increase in suicidal thoughts or were thinking about writing a suicide letter, my focus would be on making sure they’re safe and assessing the risk of them attempting to take their own life. Because if I had taken my life and those emails came to light, that service manager would have faced legal consequences.
If you find yourself thinking about suicide, writing a suicide letter, or self-harming, please reach out for support. Your life has meaning even if you’re struggling to see that for yourself.
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